Who Am I?

If you read my series Confessions of a Recovering People Pleaser, you will know that I have been trying to answer that question since I decided to leave my marriage, my church community, and all of the values and principles I grew up with. That was in 2012…It’s 2024 and I still haven’t found a definitive answer to that question. It seems that as much experience and knowledge I have accumulated, the only clarification I got came from the process of eliminating who I am not. And now that I think about it, the problem isn’t really that I don’t know the answer, but that the answer doesn’t fulfill the question of who, but of what. But before I describe what I am, here are some reasons why I could never answer the question, “Who am I?”

For as long as I could remember I was uncomfortable with the concept of labels and identities. Throughout high school people seemed to be so thrown off by the fact that I was involved in the school band, in sports, the math team, and art club. It’s like everyone just wanted me to pick one genre of activities so they could place me neatly into one of the boxes they sorted people into…so they could finally understand who I am. And I noticed that by not sticking to one group or activity, the people in each of the groups felt a general disconnect and distrust of me…like I had betrayed them by not placing my entire identity into that activity and group. I was a forever outsider (but hey, I had fun). 

And before high school there was the question of my cultural identity. People would want me to identify with a “race”, or nationality, or culture…but do I call myself American just because I’m living in America? My family is barely assimilated to American culture and doesn’t follow the lifestyle or traditions of an American family…oh, but you want to play devil’s advocate and say, “Well, actually, America is a “melting pot”…so then let’s say I’m American. But…I’m part of this church (at the time) that wants nothing to do with the values of the world at large and is specifically trying to get me to alienate myself from the rest of society so I have to actively go against and deny any involvement with the culture around me. So maybe I’ll go with the half-Japanese, half….Italian(?) Argentinean(?) identity. I mean technically my grandfather was from Italy…but my mother grew up in Argentina and I was born there, but didn’t get any of the culture because I left when I was two and she just barely held onto anything…so…Anyway, I hope you see how pointless it was for me to try to find my identity through culture or societal values/norms. There was no such thing for me.  

Then, later in life, if someone found out I painted or made things, they would call me an artist. But I would say no, I just make things...That doesn’t make me an artist. Or I was a rock climber because I rock climbed. You like Lord of the Rings? (I’m obsessed)...you must be a nerd. And now I’m sure if/when I tell people I have a blog, they will want to call me a writer. But none of that makes sense to me! How can something I do identify who I am as a person? Does me running in the rain to get to shelter suddenly make me a runner? Does eating food make me…an eater?? The same goes for physical attributes, interests, opinions/philosophies, political views, sexual orientation, the way my brain works, and ANYTHING. The point is, I just never felt comfortable following the words “I am” with something as confining and temporary as any of the circumstances, activities, or occupations I found myself involved in at any given time, and I think that’s why I never found an answer to that question. 

What am I?

The dilemma I just described - of not resonating with a particular physical identity - occurred because deep-down I understood the pitfalls and limitations of duality consciousness (I don’t know if that’s a real phrase, but it sums up what I am referring to).  Meaning, the philosophy/perspective that life exists in black and white and not on a spectrum. That by identifying with one thing, I am denying the validity of its opposite, inevitably locking myself into a very rigid and narrow existence. That if I choose to say I am a woman, I deny my masculinity. That if I am an artist, I can’t do anything else, and god-forbid I like sports or pop culture. That if I am against war, I don’t acknowledge the role of violence. That if I love animals, then I shouldn’t be eating them. If I like green, red is the worst (a color theory reference). You get the point. 

The problem with that is that we are not meant to live in duality. Duality is a principle of our 3-dimensional physical world, so it is only valuable for navigating our physical existence. But we are multidimensional beings! I am not just my body…I am my personality, my Soul, and a unique expression of Life Force itself. I am both light and dark, masculine and feminine, strong and soft. I am everything and nothing at the same time. Life doesn’t exist without both ends of the spectrum, and we all fall somewhere in-between, constantly sliding around on it as we grow and experience life. It goes against our nature to live our lives only acknowledging one side of the coin. 

So why do we do it? That’s how our human brains work! Our brains help us survive physically by helping us distinguish “good” from “bad”. You eat a red fruit, it makes you sick, red fruit is now bad. You encounter a snake, it attacks you, now all snakes are a danger. It makes sense! It’s called judgment. We all have it. It’s necessary for survival. However, thinking our physical existence and survival is the only point to our lives denies every other need and function of being human, and closes us off from so many potential experiences! Of course it’s a very important part of our lives, since we need our physical vessels to exist on earth, but again, we do not exist in duality, and merely existing doesn’t mean we are taking care of the rest of our multidimensional selves. 

The fields of psychology, philosophy, and religion were all created in order to solve for the other aspects of our humanity - to figure out how to achieve true happiness and find the meaning of life. I like Abraham Maslow’s “hierarchy of needs” (pictured below) as a general summary and map of what motivates us in life. And even though this theory has been around since the 1940s, you’d be surprised how many people forget about all of their needs and get stuck solving for only one or two - never acknowledging how necessary the rest are to their humanness. For example, how many people do you know ignore their interests, relationships, and health in order to achieve monetary security? Or maybe they are only motivated by finding love and belonging to the detriment of their physical needs, safety, and individuality. Or maybe you’re a devout religious/spiritual follower that denies their body and the rest of society for the sake of individual enlightenment. 

These are all ways we live in a form of duality…by giving all of our attention to one aspect of our existence at the cost of all others. And if you’re not sure if you’re letting duality and survival consciousness play out in your life, ask yourself…How often do you choose to make a dollar instead of value your free time? How much do you subdue your natural personality or interests to make sure you fit into societal norms (a survival mechanism)? How much time and energy do you dedicate to achieving individual success and recognition rather than building healthy relationships and finding community? How often do you avoid certain things or people because of one or two bad experiences? How often do you let the past dictate your present and future? The traps of our human mind are subtle and plenty, and it takes constant self awareness and adjustment to live in balance with our Heart and Higher-Dimensional Consciousness. 

But where was I? I guess the point I am trying to make is that I choose not to identify with one thing or another because in the end I am everything. I am the potential and manifestation of pure energy/Life Force - we all are. And even though my human brain will get frustrated, scared, and confused by my lack of duality and defining my identity, at the end of the day, by not choosing one identity, I get to choose my reality within every moment. And while I still acknowledge my set of physical limitations and the laws of nature, I also value and nurture the magic and mystery of my existence by exploring and expressing every part of my “self”, and that is how I continue to find inspiration and gratitude in everyday life.  

So if you’re wondering who you are, or who I am, I get it. Our brains want to categorize things and life into manageable and predictable chunks of information. And it can feel overwhelming to either not have or to release concepts, beliefs, and identities…but the more you can see all of existence and people on a spectrum (and accept the present moment as is), the sooner you will arrive at the truth of who you are - Life - a constantly changing and evolving expression of energy. And the sooner you live within the truth of “who” you are, the sooner you can live in freedom.